If this kid asks me, "Guess what?" one more time... I'm gonna stab him... and blame the cat.

2 in the pink and 2 in the stink = The Spocker

That whole your/you're thing is at least 5x as funny when it's in a tattoo.

Say what you want about the song but A-Ha's "Take On Me" video was bad ass for '86.

Should be mandatory to work a year of retail customer service after high school so people will know how douche-baggish they'll sound later.

I don't use a draft folder. I only have free range tweets that are humanely killed.

I've had so much caffeine today that I can see 5 minutes into the future.

If anyone is wondering at my increase in vagina anatomy related tweets I'm planning on drawing or 3D sclupting a beaver fighting a snake.

A few of my followers haven't tweeted in months. I presume dead. Don't worry, you will live on as I pad my numbers with your digital corpse.

@somesadthings Science of the beginning is theoretical, religious texts were skewed by governments throughout time. Live a good life. Easy.

Anyone know any Sodium, Bromine , or Oxygen jokes? Na BrO

16 bots blocked. I say use federal resources to cut fingers off spammers. Let them type that shit with their tongues on barb wire keyboards.

This network fax/printer is fucking possessed. Keeps saying incoming call and powering on. Maybe Satan is faxing me about my reservations.

Tech: "Have you recently installed any updates?"

Caller: "I updated an excel spreadsheet earlier today."

[Crickets]

I've always felt that murdering a single customer may actually be better customer service for the rest of the customers. It's a one off.

I'd probably have better things to tweet if I actually still went places and did things. Also if I still drank heavily...

Enough "occupy my vagina" jokes. Thousands of people involved with that occupying shit right now. Your pussy would look like a wind sock.

So when I get 100 followers I get a zombie riding a unicorn named bacon and my name written on cleavage. What? That's not how twitter works?

I think I'm finally doing Twitter right. I haven't had a RL friend call me in weeks and I still have to charge my smart phone 3x a day.