"I'm not anti-social. I'm selectively social. There's a difference."

American Idol and The Voice are destroying the next generation of musicians. ~Dave Grohl. (PHOTO) pic.twitter.com/tjZyGByMc4

The Empire State Building will light up in blue tomorrow to recognize #WorldArthritisDay. ♥

"Oh, I'm sorry...Did the middle of my sentence interrupt the beginning of yours?"

Twitter wants me to follow this girl who annoys the shit out of me.

“Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.”—George Carlin

"The first to apologize is the bravest. The first to forgive is the strongest. And the first to forget is the happiest."

The ONLY acceptable duckface. pic.twitter.com/Bx4tqZ9imF

I should just change my voicemail greeting to: "Please hang up and text me."

So many people joking about Paris Jackson's suicide attempt. Personally, I don't think there's anything funny about someone's pain.

Please don't leave your dog in the car.

Happy National Grilled Cheese Day! Was that too cheesy?

I really like @andrewjenks. #WorldOfJenks Season 2 Premieres March 4th a 11/10C:  http://youtu.be/pZp_x324q68  via @youtube

From 6pm-6am on New Year's Eve/Day AAA will take your drunk self and your car home for FREE. 1-800-222-4357. You don't have to be a member!

A new study shows... pic.twitter.com/Il5N3y2uTt

"Beverly Hills quake appears to have been extremely shallow. USGS putting it at surface level." What isn't shallow and surface level in BH?!

Kim Kardashian is the second highest paid 'Actress' on television. I know...I can't stop laughing either.

#FF @gotticee @quintva @uumlautstrohson @beachbrum @cpsemple @dubbleaa_ @freemdog56 @johannesgps @kellimonster

The guy next to me keeps coughing. Maybe he'll move if I talk about having crabs. #DMV

Give sarcasm a chance.