The more Twitter tells me it’s over Capacity, the more I suspect Twitter still loves Capacity and regularly sits outside her house, weeping.

The real tragedy of Goldilocks And The Three Bears is that Mr and Mrs Bear, a young married couple, already sleep in separate beds.

My girlfriend just bought a ruler from Smiths. Heaven knows I'm measurable now.

BREAKING NEWS: United and City both successfully avoid Barcelona in the next round.

I'm a man trapped outside a woman's body.

April Fool's Day: The day every newspaper tries to fool readers by sneaking in at least one properly researched, factually correct story.

A Freudian Slip is when you say one thing, but mean amother.

National Stalking Awareness Day is pointless on Twitter. Everyone here worries they’re not being followed enough.

There are two types of person in the world: People who appear on #TakeMeOut and people who get out of the bath to have a wee.

Isner-Mahut on the longest day of the year. Who says Wimbledon's organisers have no sense of humour?

"No more Mr Nice Guy." - Mr Nice Guy's obituary

The five stages of Monday; Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Wine.

Tonight on Match Of The Day, David Starkey explains that Arsenal have, over a period of time, become Millwall.

Just noticed a sign on a pub door saying Guide Dogs Only. Possibly the most exclusive pub ever.

New series of The Apprentice and Carlos Tevez returns. And yet George Osborne still wins Twat Of The Day at a canter. Amazing.

BREAKING NEWS: Cardiff fans agree to give Liverpool fans guided tours of Wembley Stadium before tomorrow's Carling Cup Final.

Pancake jokes are for tossers.

BREAKING NEWS: Today's edition of The Jeremy Kyle Show has been cancelled after both the audience and all the guests overslept. #londonriots

Wikipedia is down, so our research department has hired a group of teenagers for the day. They know everything, apparently.

Seeing lots of your favourite people tweet about Celebrity Big Brother's like finding animal porn under your new girlfriend's bed.