How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?

Ask Hugh Hefner.

Skinny Jeans; Because if i can't get them the fuck off,then neither can a rapist.

"What do we want?"
"A cure for Tourettes"
"When do we want it?"
"Cunts!"

Ford vehicles names are more fun when you put "anal" in front of them..Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger,etc

When the space shuttle gets back from its last mission, wouldn't it be hilarious if we were all dressed as apes?

NyQuil..the nighttime sniffling sneezing coughing aching drink 2 bottles and wake up in the middle of the night naked in the yard medicine.

Never confuse a colostomy bag with a whoopie cushion.

Totally ruined Grandpa's 90th birthday.

Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I'm not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.

New at IKEA - Lesbian beds. No screwing, just tongue and groove.

Hey girls,the best time to give a blowjob is when there's a football game on TV. It sounds like 50,000 people are cheering for you.

My next door neighbor confronted me about some laundry missing from her washing line. I thought i was busted and I almost shit her pants.

As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:

"I'm going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute."

This chocolate cake i'm making would go great with a glass of milk and some bondage sex.

Just got back from a cannibal party. I had a ball.

I had to poop and accidentally left my phone in the kitchen so I had to read the back of the shampoo bottle like a goddamn neanderthal.

Whatever magic it is that makes you think the house cleans itself is the same magic that made me too tired to suck your dick tonight.

Studies have shown that I don't give a shit.

Went to the gyno today and he said i had to stop masturbating. When i asked why he said "so i can give you a pap smear".

I don't care if Lady Gaga is male or female. I want it to fuck me.

I watched my first porn the other day... I looked so much younger back then.