I'm so lonely, I just thanked a spider for dropping by. Before I crushed him. Because I hate surprises. TEXT ME FIRST, ASSHOLE.

Well, today was a complete waste of clean clothes.

When a big account that doesn't follow me stars me suddenly, I crouch down and stay still, hoping it will tiptoe up and eat from my hand.

I was raised by my imagination.

I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I'll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.

Every star you give me is another step closer to me sleeping on your couch.

Actually, I'd rather you shut your talk-hole, not your pie-hole. If you have a hole that gives pie, I'm going in there, because HELLO PIE.

On the Internet, nobody knows you're not a cat.

I think I had too much to think :-(

*puts on sweatpants. gives up hope*

WHO THE FUCK KEEPS DROPPING MICS ALL OVER THE PLACE!? I'm sick of doing everything around here. You think mics get picked up by themselves?

I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.

Every time I stop making bad decisions, I get more and more boring.

I see that you took me to a playground for our first date. That's OK, I'm gonna let it slide.

It's not bad posture; it's a 2-foot long iPhone charger cable.

I've done some pretty stupid things while I've been drunk, but in alcohol's defense, I've done a lot of pretty stupid things sober, too.

Being on Twitter has made me a million times better at waiting, and twice as good at exaggerating.

Sometimes I hear this little voice saying, "I don't think that's a good idea!" Yeah well sometimes my kid should just mind her own business.

I will wrap you up in a fitted sheet and you will die trying to unfold your way out.

I was an imaginary friend as a child.