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Everyone SAYS they want a fairytale wedding but when I show up and curse their firstborn suddenly I'm the jerk.
Little Fockers beat True Grit at the Box Office. THIS IS WHY WE CAN'T HAVE NICE THINGS, AMERICA.
"We get like, a recess or a juicebox or something, right?" - Paul Ryan #VPDebates
Turn that frown upside down! It's a GREAT Depression! #ProgressiveTwitterTeam
Please stop posting that you want a "ninja" in your job descriptions. You don't find ninjas. They find you.
Romney's plan for women's equality is letting Ann be on top sometimes. #MocktheVote
Dear women: It doesn't matter if you're "thick" or "thin." Stop waiting for society to tell you that you're hot. YOU'RE HOT. The End.
LENA YOU HAVE BEEN NAKED IN FRONT OF MILLIONS. JUST TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES ALREADY. #GoldenGlobes
If no one is writing Joseph Gordon-Levitt/Daniel Radcliffe slash fiction by the end of tonight, the Internet is over. #Oscars #BiteSizeTV
Calling the royal wedding a "modern fairytale" BETTER mean it ends with Camilla Parker Bowles baking William & Kate into a pie.
I hear the new iPhone 5 has a virus that forces you to post that you just got an iPhone 5. :(
"Is it just me or is it only criminals who brag about being in Mensa?" - @betheboy
I am a person on the Internet and a TV Writer in real life. You can find me on Witstream or in your bushes. (You look nice today!)