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Everyone SAYS they want a fairytale wedding but when I show up and curse their firstborn suddenly I'm the jerk.
Little Fockers beat True Grit at the Box Office. THIS IS WHY WE CAN'T HAVE NICE THINGS, AMERICA.
"We get like, a recess or a juicebox or something, right?" - Paul Ryan #VPDebates
We now live in a world where the Pope is more liberal than the House of Representatives.
You know who never procrastinates? Assholes.
Romney's plan for women's equality is letting Ann be on top sometimes. #MocktheVote
Please stop posting that you want a "ninja" in your job descriptions. You don't find ninjas. They find you.
Turn that frown upside down! It's a GREAT Depression! #ProgressiveTwitterTeam
Dear women: It doesn't matter if you're "thick" or "thin." Stop waiting for society to tell you that you're hot. YOU'RE HOT. The End.
"YOU COULDN'T FIND AN AMERICAN BAND?" - Republicans #U2
Calling the royal wedding a "modern fairytale" BETTER mean it ends with Camilla Parker Bowles baking William & Kate into a pie.
I guess Jay-Z has 100 problems now.
I hear the new iPhone 5 has a virus that forces you to post that you just got an iPhone 5. :(
Don't bring a car crash story to a Joe Biden fight. #VPDebates
Paul Ryan is Pro-Life because of science. I don't think that word means what he thinks it means. #VPDebates
I am a person on the Internet and a TV Writer in real life. You can find me on Witstream or in your bushes. (You look nice today!)