A gay pride flag raised on a military base outraged several people who forget that we have a military to protect the right to be gay.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather. Not terrified and screaming like the passengers in his car.

Easter: A concept so ridiculous that they had to add an egg-laying rabbit to get anyone to take it serious.

I'm building a bunker. Not for doomsday, but to store my porn in if Santorum gets elected.

If I ever get lost in the woods I'll just build a bathroom. In minutes my wife and kid will show up knocking on the door needing something.

When I see a person driving erratically it reminds me to check my phone for texts.

It's funny how the people who want to protect the "sanctity" of marriage have no problem with divorce.

The term "A Box of Rocks" is suing "The Situation" for infringing on it's notoriety of "being as dumb as"

A 73 yo set a record as the oldest woman to scale M Everest. The feat was witnessed by people trying to alert her that her blinker was on.

A father in denver made his kid hold a sign stating "I'm a thief". My dad tried that too but neither of us could spell masturbater.

The best way to alleviate the pain of a cat bite is to rub it with a dead cat.

"I got laid on Tuesday"- an egg boasting to another egg, probably.

12% of moms admit to using their smartphone during sex. 100% of dads don't care, they're just happy to be having sex. At all.

Maybe god was a toddler when he invented dinosaurs, and when one bit him he smashed the fuck out of 'em...scientists are so narrow minded.

An 80 year-old passenger landed a plane after her pilot/husband died. Witness recount seeing a plane with it's blinker on for no reason.

the pope has a facebook page. I'm sorry to report that there are just too many jokes forming and my brain has seized.

The worst part about a knee injury is not being able to steer with it while I drink coffee and text.

I just saw a grown mexican riding a pimped-out kids bike pulling a trailer with empty cans in it. Near Canada. Did the poles switch?

You know when you spontaneously yell "SAY MY NAME BITCH" at the secretary and then there's a meeting? That.

Dear neighbor. I'm sure you wanted to sleep in with that terrible hangover you must have, & I didn't want to mow so early. But I hate you.