Got carded for a box of Nicorette. I guess they don't want you to quit using tobacco until you're over 18.

You people that are always out places , doing stuff...I'm not sure if Twitter is right for you.

Taking a dump with your boss in the next stall is uncomfortable. Especially if she's a woman & you're in the wrong bathroom.

Stuck a huge potato in my pants to impress the ladies, but they all just ran away.
Maybe I should've put it in the front.

Nothing says "I can't get to my penis so I can masturbate" like a Snuggie

Nothing says you've completely given up like putting vanity plates on your Kia.

Just explained Twitter and Favstar to someone and realized how ridiculous it sounds.

I'm following a porn star and she is posting pics of her puppy. And that's not a typo.

Pro tip: always know the difference between "fuck me" eyes and "fuck you" eyes.

Do fish have assholes? 'Cause if they do, that solves a MAJOR problem in my mermaid fantasies.

Ever start following someone and realized after a few tweets that they are a complete fucking idiot? I'm asking for a friend.

From the looks of my mail, pretty much every bank in America wants to re-finance my mortgage.


So, yeah. I'm kind of a big deal.

Wife (not on Twitter): "Do people tweet about American Idol?" Me: "Yep. Right before I unfollow them."

Just totally told my boss off right after she left my office.

Holy crap! I just saw a lady I work with on an amateur porn site! I don't know whether to laugh or cry. LOLJK I'll just keep masturbating!

Always fun to watch a stalker in their natural habitat

Does this smell like chloroform to y

I really look forward to date night with my wife & love her so much and yes she has started reading my tweets.

Watching my dog lick himself. I could do that too, if I wanted to. But he might bite me.

Now my wife is not only reading my tweets, it appears she has visited my Favstar page. It's been nice knowing you guys.