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Sometimes I like to put my dog in his crate and play that Sarah McLachlan song. Just to let him know things could be worse.
A real friend comes over with Plan B and vodka.
Faking an orgasm is a lot like going to church. It's all for show and I'm always left empty and unsatisfied.
After sex does anyone else say "that'll do pig, that'll do"
Twitter: Exposing sociopaths 140 characters at a time.
Freddy Krueger and Edward Scissorhands would have hilarious tickle fights.
My twitter crush just fucked your twitter crush. Wanna make out and get them back?
I am beautiful on the inside, just ask my gynecologist.
This is my twitter account. I'm allowed to put a Disney and dick tweet back to back.
Every day should begin and end with an orgasm.
Guys, wanna know the secret to finding a woman's G-spot?
It's called trying.
Why isn't there a reality show called "Dumpster Babies"? I would watch that shit.
When you give me a star I see it as an invitation to put my hands down your pants. You have been warned.
If you're trying to meet men at a bar remember: the odds are good but the goods are odd.
I can't make you like me but I can drug you into liking me.
There is only one rule you need to remember about men: if a man loves you, he will do anything he can to keep you around. Anything.
How could you not like me? I'm all smiles and I put out!
It's so romantic when a guy is fucking you, smacks your ass, then whispers in your ear "go wake up your roommate"
Eating cold sausage is probably very similar to going down on a dead guy.
If he loves you he will have period sex with you.
Graduated from Brown in astrophysics. Lost career sniffing glue. Gave myself to Christ after worlds largest gangbang. I named my vagina after @sarahfemme