Sometimes I like to put my dog in his crate and play that Sarah McLachlan song. Just to let him know things could be worse.

A real friend comes over with Plan B and vodka.

Faking an orgasm is a lot like going to church. It's all for show and I'm always left empty and unsatisfied.

After sex does anyone else say "that'll do pig, that'll do"

Twitter: Exposing sociopaths 140 characters at a time.

Freddy Krueger and Edward Scissorhands would have hilarious tickle fights.

My twitter crush just fucked your twitter crush. Wanna make out and get them back?

This is my twitter account. I'm allowed to put a Disney and dick tweet back to back.

Every day should begin and end with an orgasm.

I am beautiful on the inside, just ask my gynecologist.

Guys, wanna know the secret to finding a woman's G-spot?

It's called trying.

Why isn't there a reality show called "Dumpster Babies"? I would watch that shit.

When you give me a star I see it as an invitation to put my hands down your pants. You have been warned.

I can't make you like me but I can drug you into liking me.

If you're trying to meet men at a bar remember: the odds are good but the goods are odd.

There is only one rule you need to remember about men: if a man loves you, he will do anything he can to keep you around. Anything.

How could you not like me? I'm all smiles and I put out!

It's so romantic when a guy is fucking you, smacks your ass, then whispers in your ear "go wake up your roommate"

Eating cold sausage is probably very similar to going down on a dead guy.

If he loves you he will have period sex with you.