Favstar gets even better if you sign in.
When I say "Thank you for the feedback," what I really mean is, "Go fuck yourself."
Tweets are so much less funny when you read them out loud to your husband who clearly doesn't give a shit.
Coworker: "We have a problem: I just vomited."
This is not *my* problem, asshole. Go brush your fucking teeth.
Turns out successful marriages have less to do with wearing something borrowed and blue and more to do with not being a fucking lunatic.
I want to both murder and fuck everyone on The Food Network.
I've gone outside to socialize and now I'm home alone and free to turn off all the lights and masturbate to Biggest Loser. Perfect Saturday.
In honor of Casual (sex) Friday, I'm not wearing clothes to work today. Freedom of speech, motherfuckers!!
First you're washing your vagina, next thing you know, you're going to work.
I know we're not supposed to make rape jokes on twitter, but there is no other way to describe what I just did to that roasted chicken.
Cheetos fingerprints on an employment application: Professional or Unprofessional?
How many Xanax is too many? More than 20, but less than 1,000?
Nothing mellows you out like Xanax and self-loathing.
Guys, I just heard I can get FREE BEADS in New Orleans and all I have to do is take my shirt off! Free fucking beads, yo!
Starting from scratch is my penance for allowing my mom to follow my other account. **sigh** Mistakes were made.
It's not that I don't want to got to the gym, it's that I don't want to brush my teeth.
Started watching LOTR last night and thinking about calling out from work to finish. How the fuck is Frodo going to get out of this mess???
I'm bored enough to check Facebook. Who wants to blow lines off a stripper's ass with me?
Just googling "Do zebras have tits?" I love you, Internet.
The first rule of my new cult is that we can't talk about the cult. So all the goat blood stuff I said is TOTALLY a joke. Ha Ha ... Ha.
There is a woman dressed as a teabag and my mom told her she looks like a tampon.
East coast liberal elitist. Enjoys brie cheese, arugula, and The New York Times.