@sloganeerist's (JTD) most faved Tweets...
The word "tsunami" is not in my phone's T9 dictionary, so if you ever get a text from me that says "Trumang!", get the fuck off the beach.
Life is so short. Get in there and live it. Write a bible. Invent a new kind of ham. Retweet something you don't fully comprehend.
If there's a kitty cat heaven, does that mean there's also a kitty cat Jesus? Cos I bet his little sandals are ADORABLE.
Accidentally hit the shmooze button on my clock this morning. Got up on time, but I had to drink bad scotch with two clients in my shower.
Right now, every man, woman and child in America is watching and talking about hockey. Don't you see? The Canadians have already won.
Sleepmasturbating is a rare but perfectly normal condition. I know you know that. This is more for the other passengers of Delta flight 881.
No, I don't wanna play Frisbee with you. Because I just don't, that's why. Because I don't feel like it. LOOK, I NEVER WENT TO COLLEGE OKAY?
Yeah? Well if I'm using alcohol as a crutch, then how come I've fallen on my ass like six times tonight? Riddle me that, Dr. Penisface.
Watching Discovery Health's "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant."
Next up, "Totally Just Noticed I'm White," followed by "Whoa, I Have TITS?"
Next up, "Totally Just Noticed I'm White," followed by "Whoa, I Have TITS?"
"Arugula."
If you just pictured a leafy vegetable instead of hearing an old timey car horn, you have reached this tweet in error.
If you just pictured a leafy vegetable instead of hearing an old timey car horn, you have reached this tweet in error.
In brainstorming, there are no dumb ideas. Only dumb people who keep making everyone uncomfortable by saying their shitty ideas.
Help me, Obi-Wan Kenobi. You're my only hOh shit, hold on I'm getting another hologram. Ugh, what do I push? If I accidentally hang up, cal
Pull my groin while flossing once, shame on you. Pull my groin while flossing twice, okay, fuck, seriously, what am I doing wrong here?
When life hands you lemons, cram them in your pants to look like you have comically enormous testicles. Trust me. Lemonade = not funny.
Trying to celebrate America but this stupid Navajo family won't give up their picnic table. That's it. Hold my flag, I'm going over there.
Get thee behind me, Satan. Wouldst thou rub some of this sunblock on mine shoulders? Mmm, thy claws feel good. Oops, my top hath fallen off.
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