If I ever see a guy buy one of those pickles in a bag at the gas station I'll drop whatever I'm doing and make a documentary about his life.

I'm eating brie and listening to The Smiths. What's this I hear about a televised football match this evening?

Just had a wonderful conversation at the grocery store with what I can only assume was an old friend.

Let me get this straight, companies pay big money to have a trending topic "Promoted" and then I get to ignore it for no charge? Brilliant.

Hey smokers, I quit a couple months ago so you're all disgusting and pathetic now.

"Don't let the door hit you on the way out!" - mother pleading with her daughter to leave her abusive relationship with a door

Thinking of starting another Twitter account to do nothing but steal tweets. Not even funny ones though just people talking about their day.

"Life ain't nothin but hugs and volunteer work." - Nice Cube

"This is how the world ends. This is how the world ends. Not with a bang, but with a whiny folk song." - T. S. Elliott Smith

I'd like you to consider the tweets I delete not as embarrassing failures but super rare B-sides.

I can still fit into the same crippling insecurities I wore in high school.

I wish more people would watch me read The New Yorker.

When I take a minute to look back on everything I've achieved in life I usually spend the other 56 seconds thinking about naked women.

@hermit_thrush_ Have you ever heard of Favstar? I have over 1680 stars on Favstar. How many do you have? Everyone hates you.

When the cashier asks me "Paper or plastic?" I doubt she grasps the depth of nihilism in my reply of "It doesn't matter".

"It was the best of times. It was the worst of times." - guy who's a really bad guesser of how the times were

I'm starting a website to rival Twitter. Instead of "tweeting" in 140 characters or less, you pay a monthly fee to watch other people fuck.

As long as there is at least one Petsmart still operating in this country we are not in a depression.

Think I may drive out to my Fed-Ex guy's house tonight and ring his doorbell at 3:30am to let him know everything went ok with the package.

Just figured out that "A Glad Gay" is an anagram for "Lady Gaga" if you want to know how high I am.