@slugworthy's most faved Tweets...
Wife: "Why do you always erase internet history? Afraid I might find you've been looking at porn?"
Me: "There's porn on the internet?"
Me: "There's porn on the internet?"
Was stoned and ate a whole pound cake. I'm not too worried, though. I mean, hey, I'll only gain one pound, right?
Special hour long episode of The Office wedding to include gratuitous 30 min recap of Fonzie jumping the shark. Ross and Rachel to attend.
Twitter's awfully quiet. There must be some pretty hungover and cracked out motherfuckers out there right now. Get your rest, big babies.
Just saw the dumbest goddamn commercial I've...No wait....No, this one, THIS is the most retarded shit I've ever......Wait, hold on.....
The clouds part,and God's majestic thunderous voice responds,"THERE'S SOMETHING ABOUT YOU THAT JUST PISSES ME OFF."
I do all my best thinking in the shower. There's just something about soaping up my nuts that really gets my creative juices flowing.
Bob was upstaged when he walked into a bar wearing his MUSTACHE RIDES $5 shirt only to find a guy wearing one that said MUSTACHE RIDES $4.
Wife: "What kind of porn are you whacking it to anyway?"
Me: "You may think you want to know, but you really don't--TRUST ME."
Me: "You may think you want to know, but you really don't--TRUST ME."
Pro tip: You don't unfollow someone and then use one of their jokes. They have to unfollow YOU for them not to find out, YOU FUCKING GENIUS.
Fuck me blow job hand job ass bang whore slut cunt twat dildo ass plug gang bang.
Are you out there Brit.ney? This is my S.O.S.--I miss you.
Are you out there Brit.ney? This is my S.O.S.--I miss you.
Nothing says you partied too goddamn long like seeing the early morning runners jog by as you swallow more vodka straight from the bottle.
I didn't know rats were so industrious and mechanically gifted until I became privy to their massive construction project within my walls.
I think this cold medicine has little worms in it that enter your skull and slowly eat your brain--either that, or I have syphilis.
It's amazing what an average fat ass I've become--but, upon further examination of my lifestyle, the outcome should've been obvious.
I have the most elegant feet possible for a man. They exude aristocratic nuance and refinement,never failing to garner aesthetic admiration.
How can I find out more about"The World's Most Interesting Man"? The ads utterly fail to sate my burning lust for more knowledge about him.
In class,do you ever fantasize about walking up to the teacher and shouting"YOU STUPID WHORE",then slapping the shit out of her?
#meneither
#meneither
Just remembering, there was a real douchebag out at the Christmas tree farm last year. I can't believe I'm already thinking about Christmas.
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