I'd take offense to your calling me a douche...except that being forcibly squeezed into a woman's vagina doesn't sound all that bad.

Redecorating my apartment makes me wish that queers came in six-packs.

The funniest thing about China is <CENSORED BY THE CHINESE GOVERNMENT. LONG LIVE MAO ZEDONG.>

You're either there...or your their.

When Jenny gave me her number at the bar, I thought it looked familiar. It wasn't until I got home that I realized I'd been Tommy Tutoned.

Shaken Baby Syndrome is sad and all, but how else are you supposed to get the breading on them?

"Only two more days this weekend and I can get back to work!!" - no one, ever.

If you've ever referred to it as "coitus," you're probably not having very much of it.

I'd make tons of jokes about government cheese, but it's just not funny having to wrest your next meal from the grips of a government mouse.

If you guys didn't think we were screwed before, you probably didn't see the three Death Stars parked in Oprah's driveway.

I've been a little gun-shy about foreplay ever since that rock drill showed up in the bedroom.

I'm not sure if it was the guns, the hookers or the cocaine that made me the most uncomfortable. Grandma sure knew how to party.

I'm considering a new holiday that combines Halloween and Thanksgiving. We would dress the children up as turkeys and hunt them.

"Roses are red, violets are blue;
I've got the AIDS, and now so do you."

I thought about slapping the shit out of Tim Burton, but then I realized how bare emo girls' lunchboxes would be.

I'm not trying to be insensitive. I just think that we've all had enough of Lance Armstrong's ball at this point.

Everything I know about misogyny, codependency, premature balding, interspecies relationships and closeted lesbianism I learned from Peanuts

Please don't let the fact that I just followed 500 people dissuade you from following me back. Think of it as a mark of my love for you.

Be it love with an open hand or a closed fist, one thing is certain: you need to do some Kegel exercises.

I'm sorry, but the star you have wished upon is out of service. Please check the star's listing and try your wish again.