i'm a skinny girl with fat girl problems.

Facebook is like that ex boyfriend you still fuck but hate hanging out with.

Oh no! Hockey season is over. I wonder what I'll do now. Oh I know, not fucking care about hockey.

I'm not in love with life, but we're in a committed relationship.

My sex life is so pathetic that my sex dreams consist of a vibrator

If you love something, set it free, if it doesn't come back, hunt it down and kill it.

trust no man, fear no bitch. except rabid dogs, their pretty scary.

Ok either the club ripped me off and never put any alcohol in my drinks or my alcohol tolerance is way too high

Hey guy who's on a date eye fucking me from across the bar, meet me in the bathroom.

I can bet you I don't have a gag reflex.

I don't know if this is the percocet talking, but I can't feel my vagina. And I see pink elephants.

My little brothers friends are looking pretty hot, RELAX PEOPLE THEY'RE 16! that's totally ok.

my life would be much easier if you have sex with your husbands

If I get a booty call text at 4 am, I'm totally ignoring it. Maybe.

There must be some sad strippers today.

My method of self control is not shaving and wearing granny panties on a date.

Wal mart is having a sale on wine $2.99! Who has two thumbs and is getting wasted by herself? THIS GUY!

I can pretty much say last night went down as one of the craziest nights ever.

Unfortunately I was not in a strangers bed this morning. Drank for no reason.

Got my period on my birthday, that's gods gift of saying "you can keep being a whore you filthy bitch"