I don’t understand why people take Twitter so seriously. I don’t even care about my job. And they pay me.

Got kicked out of my comfort zone, now scrambling for a happy place.

There's a dating website for people over 50. Seniors across the world have logged in once, and immediately forgot their password.

Mothers - As sometimes you need someone around to casually fuckin remind you who you could’ve been

I may be Canadian, but I'll still tell you off. I don't give a fuck.

Just kidding.

Sorry.

A restless soul is one never meant to be tamed.

When you’re gay you sure do have to reword a lot of fucking lyrics.

Hey, cozy couples I’m friends with, you’d better fucking believe I know in advance who I’m siding with when you break up.

I am blessed with friends. Many of them live in my phone. I can’t pretend I don’t smile when they laugh, or feel it when they suffer.

Fail-proof diet: cut sugar, fats, pasta, alcohol, bread and wrists.

The problem with birthdays is pretending you’re not pissed off about getting older.

People with the ugly inside are just as easy to spot.

Putting women on a pedestal gives them a better view of other men.

I don’t judge people for what they believe. But I will form conclusions based upon what people try to make ME believe.

It's been about 2 hours and I have no clue how I'm going to tell this cabbie that I was only kidding when I told him to follow that car.

At this stage of my life, "Good in Bed" means not snoring or stealing the covers.

My ex? we're not friends, we're not enemies either. We're just two strangers who share some memories.

There's this thing I say that wins most arguments pretty quickly.

"Respect the blow job giver"

to the guy not following but complaining about my tweets: fuck you! also, dinner will be ready in a half hour.

My wife is one of those people who can read five books at the same time but I can barely finish the one I'm coloring.