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He never gets lost because everyone is always telling him where the fuck to go.
It's too cloudy to see the moon. Everyone fucking moon the moon and maybe it will moon us back.
Who me? Just trying to figure out how to teach my dog to sleep in on a Sunday morning. You?
Whenever I come to a fork in the road, I stop and realize that, fuck.......I am hungry!
Careful what you wish for cuz sometimes having a lot of space to yourself is great but having too much just gives you room to store shit.
In order to find a soulmate, one would need to still have a soul.
Glad I don't have a fat ass cuz it would be a waste since I'm too busy to sit around on a fat ass.
I have IBWS......
Irritable Because of Work Syndrome
If someone says, "I'm with stupid" it means they fucked their brains out.
Those who don't play well with others on Mondays, are those who played very well with others on the weekend.
I want the guy who picks the lottery numbers fired. Pronto.
Just taught my dog not to bark. If only I could teach some people that with just a pat on the head & some treats, I'd be fucking set.
You know you're having a bad day if your fat pants or skinny pants become just pants.
It's like there's a production line of baby boys being made & every once in awhile, someone fucks up & forgets to put balls on one of them.
Stay close to anything that makes you happy. Stay closest to anything that makes you horny.
Just discovered that a brick of ice cream fits perfectly into a salad bowl. Fuckin' A!
Me: Nice Flip-flops
Friend: I'm wearing running shoes
Me: I was talking about your boobs
Straightjackets required. No corners allowed. Love bouncing!
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