True, everything's grey, black or white. Here and there a red car. Whenever I see a neon green car I feel a rush of happiness @neilhimself

Win-what-you-want! #Froshpocalypse

One day I'll swim in a pool of coins like Scrooge McDuck, but for now I have enough to test the waters with my toes pic.twitter.com/R3emuqGrif

What would it be like if every pooping person in the world could communicate telepathically with each other? Probably a lot like twitter

DIARRHEA: The story of a butt who dreamed of one day learning to pee

#BlackPeoplePornTubeSearches "Big black butts" #WhitePeoplePornTubeSearches "Big black butts"

What if I'm NOT a hipster? What if I just have really bad fashion sense?

"First period!" #PhrasesThatMeanDifferentThingsToHockeyPlayersAndYoungGirls

I'm at H&M all the time and I haven't ONCE run into Beyonce. Starting to think she doesn't even shop there

Rob Ford is a terrible mayor... for someone who doesn't smoke crack. For someone who DOES smoke crack, he's a god damn national treasure

If you want to get rid of an unwanted erection, flex your arms. Go from being a creepy dude with a boner to a creepy dude flexing his arms

It's weird how PBR sounds and tastes like "Pee Beer"

"We ride together, we die together, we eat pie together. Bad Boys for life." #earlymoviedrafts

If I could go on the show "Dragon's Den" I'd pitch a better version of "Dragon's Den."

"My life is fraught with woe" is the most fun way I know of to say "I'm depressed."

light switches, buttons, levers, dangly pull-chains, turning a key, pulling a cord, sometimes clapping will work #listofTurnons

Realizing your entire village has been murdered by a warlord #AfricanYoloMoment

If a normal-looking cat could turtle all its protruding facial features inside its skull it would look like Bonnie pic.twitter.com/rYyPHETyn0

Trying to make a peace symbol/ heart symbol hybrid just ends up looking like an ugly pretzel

I'm an interesting person trapped in an uninteresting person's body. Where's MY surgical procedure?