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What would it be like if every pooping person in the world could communicate telepathically with each other? Probably a lot like twitter
DIARRHEA: The story of a butt who dreamed of one day learning to pee
#BlackPeoplePornTubeSearches "Big black butts" #WhitePeoplePornTubeSearches "Big black butts"
What if I'm NOT a hipster? What if I just have really bad fashion sense?
"First period!" #PhrasesThatMeanDifferentThingsToHockeyPlayersAndYoungGirls
I'm at H&M all the time and I haven't ONCE run into Beyonce. Starting to think she doesn't even shop there
Rob Ford is a terrible mayor... for someone who doesn't smoke crack. For someone who DOES smoke crack, he's a god damn national treasure
If you want to get rid of an unwanted erection, flex your arms. Go from being a creepy dude with a boner to a creepy dude flexing his arms
It's weird how PBR sounds and tastes like "Pee Beer"
If I could go on the show "Dragon's Den" I'd pitch a better version of "Dragon's Den."
"My life is fraught with woe" is the most fun way I know of to say "I'm depressed."
light switches, buttons, levers, dangly pull-chains, turning a key, pulling a cord, sometimes clapping will work #listofTurnons
Realizing your entire village has been murdered by a warlord #AfricanYoloMoment
Trying to make a peace symbol/ heart symbol hybrid just ends up looking like an ugly pretzel
I'm an interesting person trapped in an uninteresting person's body. Where's MY surgical procedure?
If I write 'comedian' here, will people be more likely to follow me? COMEDIAN COMEDIAN COMEDIAN