GUYS: The best thing you can do to win her heart is to respect her.

Bitches love respect.

FUCK! I'm still writing Year of the Ox on my checks.

502 Bad Gateway

503 Bad, Bad, Naughty Gateway

504 Rowr

I hate when pets die. So I'm getting a giant tortoise. Let him fucking cry when *I* die.

Whenever I see a guy riding a quiet motorcycle, I think:

"There goes a guy with a big penis."

In Avatar, they mine Unobtainium. Only because they can't get to the Outofreachium, and all the Inconvenientum has been exploited already.

It's nice of the Republicans to protect gay people from the wars they start.

#tcot

WHOA WHOA WHOA!! Watch where you're pointing that Prius!

I'm kind of amazed that everyone on Mythbusters still has eyebrows.

My girlfriend and I are fighting. Tonight we're going to 96.

WHAT. THE. FUCK.

This is fucking BULLSHIT, man. They didn't explain ANY of the mysteries in the Dancing with the Stars finale! I'M ANGRY!

I was with a girl once who had a tattoo of a seashell on her inner thigh. When I put my ear against it, I could smell the ocean.

Sometimes I wonder why the Frisbee is getting bigger, and then it hits me.

*Obesity Rates Hit Plateau in US*

It finally happened. Americans are too fat to get up and eat more.

I hate it when sentences objectify women.

Oh shit.

Jermaine Jackson named his son "Jermajesty".

While he was at it, he should have named himself "Jercough".

When you changed tenses mid-sentence, the terrorists will win.

The reason you ladies don't like to fuck men with small dicks: He's just not that far into you.

If you liked it, you should have put a digital converter box on it.

If you're Anti-Abortion, then you're Pro-Amateur-Abortion.