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GUYS: The best thing you can do to win her heart is to respect her.
Bitches love respect.
Jenny McCarthy wants us to vote for who she'll kiss at midnight. I vote for the scientist who proved that vaccines don't cause autism.
In the end, I'll vote for whoever is married to Michelle Obama.
"Are there any bugs bothering you?"
"Are there any PEOPLE TALKING IN YOUR EAR bothering you?"
"As a matter of fact..."
I was treated by a homeopathic practitioner today. For payment I gave her some water that I dipped my credit card in.
FUCK! I'm still writing Year of the Tiger on my checks!
I hate when pets die. So I'm getting a giant tortoise. Let him fucking cry when *I* die.
Purgatory: Thomas Kinkade hears an ethereal voice, "Walk into the light." Freezes, unable to decide which of the 27,000 paintings to go to.
I accidentally used Avogadro's for the guacamole and now I'm stuck with 6.02 x 10²³ servings.
In 2016, I say we go blacker.
The Army apologized for the Afghan massacre, saying they preferred killing women & children with terrifying remote-controlled flying robots.
Whatever. Call me when a pope performs the miracle of stopping child rape in the Catholic Church.
It's nice of the Republicans to protect gay people from the wars they start.
Yes, Pope. Atheism IS like Nazism. They indoctrinate the youth, have funny hand signals, and their infallible leader is German.
Listen, shithead, the Big Bang Theory isn't "just a theory". It's a different term. Like how "scientific models" don't strut down a runway.
If you're Anti-Abortion, then you're Pro-Amateur-Abortion.
These are the voyages of the Starship Euphemize. Its five year mission: To explore strange new words, to seek out new jokes and new implications.