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GUYS: The best thing you can do to win her heart is to respect her.
Bitches love respect.
Jenny McCarthy wants us to vote for who she'll kiss at midnight. I vote for the scientist who proved that vaccines don't cause autism.
"Are there any bugs bothering you?"
"No."
"Are there any PEOPLE TALKING IN YOUR EAR bothering you?"
"As a matter of fact..."
#walkthewire
I think it's time for @realdonaldtrump to release his genuine psychiatric evaluation.
I was treated by a homeopathic practitioner today. For payment I gave her some water that I dipped my credit card in.
Tweets by Mythbusters @torybelleci @karibyron & @grantimahara mean they haven't blown themselves up.
BUT, do they still have eyebrows?
I hate when pets die. So I'm getting a giant tortoise. Let him fucking cry when *I* die.
Purgatory: Thomas Kinkade hears an ethereal voice, "Walk into the light." Freezes, unable to decide which of the 27,000 paintings to go to.
I accidentally used Avogadro's for the guacamole and now I'm stuck with 6.02 x 10²³ servings.
The Army apologized for the Afghan massacre, saying they preferred killing women & children with terrifying remote-controlled flying robots.
Whatever. Call me when a pope performs the miracle of stopping child rape in the Catholic Church.
It's nice of the Republicans to protect gay people from the wars they start.
#tcot
Yes, Pope. Atheism IS like Nazism. They indoctrinate the youth, have funny hand signals, and their infallible leader is German.
Oh, wait...
Listen, shithead, the Big Bang Theory isn't "just a theory". It's a different term. Like how "scientific models" don't strut down a runway.
The dinosaurs would be alive today if they had guns. #AlternativeGunHistory
These are the voyages of the Starship Euphemize. Its five year mission: To explore strange new words, to seek out new jokes and new implications.
