If you had a million monkeys typing on a million typewriters eventually you'd have...
Oh wait, that's us.

I don't hate the McDonalds McCafé commercials, I haté them.

Sometimes when I post a really funny tweet, I throw my iPhone on my bed like a football player celebrating a touchdown.

Ok, always.

In the army, stars are used for ranks. On Twitter, stars are used to show someone you liked their dick joke.
Star this.

I don't think most guys would mind if a woman chewed him up and then spit him out. As long as there was some sucking along the way.

Something tells me in ten years Dora the Explorer is going to have a nice rack.

I'm a really good catholic because I started drinking the blood of Christ really early today.

What the hell do I need pants for? I'm not a priest. Same goes for panties. I'm not a nun.
What do you mean "Stop tweeting in church?"

I don't do any physical exercise that doesn't involve removal of underwear.

I bet Joseph and Mary didn't think baby Jesus had holy crap.

I despise the thought of women wrestling in jello. Mud is so much more green and that's important nowadays.

Sis: "Can you put something better on?"
Me: "Better?"
Brother-in-law: "Better than Spongebob?!"

*Me and brother-in-law high five*

Do you know how weird it is to make out with a hobo?

There are rarely any cardboard boxes made for two.

Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.
Except when it's a penis.

Looking for love in all the bong places.

Oral B has a new rechargable toothbrush. It costs 22 dollars, which isn't bad for an automatic toothbrush/vibrator.

Fell asleep watching the Dick Van Dyke Show, woke up watching the Mary Tyler Moore Show. I thought Laura Petrie was having an affair.

My mom and I have issues.
Like my high therapy bill. Caused by her.

Friction is a drag. #sciencetweet

Staying for a parent meeting for my nephews pre-k class. I made a kid cry and I've been here five minutes.