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Chances of me putting on a bra today are about LOL%.
Maybe my roommate would be cooler with my 45 minute showers if she knew I was pretending to be an otter under a waterfall for most of it.
Did you know if you hook your electric blanket up to 7 extension cords w/ duct tape you can stay warm anywhere cause your house is on fire?
I don't care how long your run was.
Three British people talking at the table next to me. Alright Shelbs, be cool. Don't say anything. Don't say anytELLO GUVNAH! PIP PIP!
Those mornings you're just proud of yourself for not sitting down in the shower.
A guy just sprinted by me w/ the CUTEST purse. This lady must have agreed with me cause she was running after him yelling about it too.
The worst part of going on a date with a guy I don't like is how my grandma always dies before our food gets there.
I wish you guys could see my face when I figure out some of you are parents.
Every time I shave my knee without cutting it, I look at my razor like, "YOU MAD?" then I slip and hit my head on the faucet.
A guy in this bar just snapped his flip phone shut and everyone went silent out of pure confusion and nostalgia.
So glad that the water in my apartment goes from cold to lava in .3 seconds or I'd never know how good I am at ripping down shower curtains.
The good news is, I found my phone charger in my bed while I was vacuuming my sheets. The bad news is, you read that 2nd part correctly.
I just want a guy who's gonna be funny and caring and not freak out when I scream the answers to Cash Cab with food in my mouth.
"Oh, FYI, you have a paper cut." - nail polish remover
"One ticket for Footloose, please," is the most depressing thing I've said in a while.
I think that if you stay awake long enough to make it to 3 am, life should just give you a Hot Pocket.
No questions. Here's a Hot Pocket.
What do people with leather car seats wipe their hands on?
Everybody on earth has that one person that they wish they could wake up next to. Mine is a grilled cheese sandwich.
My running shoes and I are having a competition to see who can ignore the other the longest. I'm winning.