I keep looking at my leather, rhinestone bracelet for the time and it keeps telling me the same thing, "I'm not a watch, you effing moron."

If you drink alone, you could be an alcoholic, but who's alone? We're all on Twitter together...am I right? Someone back me up here.

I'm a toilet Tweeter, how about you?

I want to stab grumpy people. That doesn't make me grumpy, too - it just proves I have issues with follow-through.

I douche with ice water to make my pussy tight.

I ran out of deodorant and had to use my daughter's. Now it smells like teen spirit in here.

Wiping my hands across my chest pretending to adjust my shirt in effort to touch my own titties without being noticed.

I like to cuddle my children and sniff their hair. It smells warm and clean and safe and makes everything that's wrong right again.

I'm not one of those insecure types seeking approval from her peers on Twitter. At least I don't think I am. Do you think I am?

I'm going to poke around until I find what really hurts you, then I'm going to grind the spike of my high heel into it. #revenge

Told myself I wouldn't waste my Sunday on Twitter, but you fuckers are just soooo entertaining - kinda like a Monty Python TV Marathon.

Can a vagina implode from lack of use? (Asking for a friend)

I'm just star-fucking everyone tonight. It's either because you're hilarious this evening or I'm soul searching. Or a combination of both.

This chick at work talks to herself all the time - kinda what its like here when you assholes don't star or RT me.

Whiny preteens make me want to throw up on my own shoes.

I hate it when people talk to me. I just ignore them and they eventually go away.

Men are just as moody as women, they just don't have a bloody cooch to blame it on.

K. I've wasted two hours on twitter. Time to go back to RL. Wish me luck.

If you're home all day and don't take time to feed your kids lunch, you're a fucking douchebag and I hate you.

Yippe!! I was listed as "Humorous Sex Symbols." Wonder if that's a compliment or I should rethink my smexy strategy.