The one good thing if Trump became president, Bush would be on the next The Apprentice and we can all laugh when Trump yells "You're FIRED".

Twitter is better than Facebook because my mother doesn't get to reply to EVERY SINGLE status update with a unfunny remark.

Wow, hang on. Talk SLOW. So let me get this straight. You put the lime in the coconut?

"It belongs in a museum!" - Indiana Jones, talking about John McCain

Mirror in the loo has a massive crack it. I might be ugly but that's just taking the piss

If its not already a word, im copywriting it.

Zombirdie: (noun) A dead bird that has come back from the dead, often found eating birdbrain.

"I don't expect you to star me if I'm not funny, in fact I expect you to unfollow me." - no one on twitter EVER.

Works given me today off to watch the wedding of Prince William and Kate Middleclass. I didn't watch it, hope I don't get beheaded.

Let me get this straight. Half of you are nerdy men. The other half are nerdy men using a fake women avi? Is anyone here actually a female?

You know that awkward moment when you wake up next to a stranger and she expects commitment as you spent the night?*




*whats that like?

I nearly went to the gym today but instead tattooed my forehead "rich, easy & dumb". It's easier and the end result is the same.

"Mirror mirror on the wall.... What's that? I'm what!? You bitch whore!" *smashes mirror* - me, in the bathroom, every morning.

I women just told me I'm hung like a horse. It made my day. I was happy. Really happy. Then I realised she meant the sea kind. Bitch.

Everyone has at least one hot neighbour right? Because I don't so by default it must be me right?... Wait, no, there they are. Dammit.

I tell people I'm an Insurance Salesman but only because my actual job is more boring.

At work people think I'm really smart. But it's not hard when they ask "is 2001 more than 5 years ago?"

"More tappy tappy, less chatty chatty" - slogan at the office... and twitter

"It's better to have tweeted and failed than to never have tweeted at all" - no one on favstar. NO ONE.

People follow unfollow then follow me. You're as indecisive as my last girl friend. Probably. I've never had a girlfriend, or seen a woman.

If a woman tells me that women are often wrong, should I agree that women are wrong or should I disagree, making her wrong. I'm so confused.