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Since the divorce, the only pick-up line I can think of is, “Would you consider yourself a litigious person?”
Laughter between lovers is the best foreplay.
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, "Oh c'mon...even I've done THAT!"
If my GF gets any crankier, I may be forced to light that fuse on her tampon.
When I can't think of anything to write, I tend to just copy off of the Asian guy tweeting in front of me
I dream now of Avi`s, not RL women, & I'm grateful for it. An epiphany of sorts to finally realize the sexiest part of a woman is her words
Still getting used to this Twitter thing. Didn't mean to sign up for this...I was just trying to order sea monkeys.
I hate it when I catch my neighbor peering at me through the window...especially when I thought I was so well hidden in the bushes.
In these lean times, instead of buying a GPS...I hired a homeless guy with a map to sit in the back-seat.
Clearly (& happily) suffering from what I call the "Twitter Effect," when I realized I now admire women more for their wits, than their tits
I can only guess that whoever said, ''If you love something, set it free...'' lived a lonely life. If you love someone, fight to keep them.
My Twitter crush drove 30 hrs for us to be together.A friend is crossing an ocean for her Twitter love. Twitter's pimp hand is international
Whatever doesn't kill you, makes...me re-strategize
I couldn't count the number of times the “mood” has been ruined by my dates asking, “Shouldn’t you put some ointment on that?”
As I stand here alone in the cold,in the dead of night,looking up at the stars,I ask myself the age old question..why am I not getting laid?
Off to have sex...so you know, back in 3 minutes. Well, maybe 4...she might ask me to open a new pack of batteries before I leave *sigh*
I guess my marriage was destined to fail...the night of our engagement, I also proposed to her sister, her Dad and a bottle of Jack Daniels
No joke: spent entire day alone, watching “Sleepless In Seattle“, “P.S. I Love You” and “Love Actually”…my penis has fully retracted.
Assumption is nine-tenths of the flaw.
My wife's husband. My daughter's father.
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