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Flirting with the hot girl in the next car by gripping the steering wheel, staring straight ahead and sweating.
At girlfriends work Christmas party. Keeping shoes on incase Die Hard happens.
"Twitter unfollowed you" is the new "sorry didn't hear the phone ring".
I miss those carefree summer days sitting in a tree eating popsicles, convincing your brother a plastic bag is like a parachute.
At a scary movie and there's just 1 person in the theater. Sitting far away, and everytime the screen goes black gonna move 1 seat closer.
That waitress wants me so bad. - every guy at this bar. I want to stab every guy here in the face. - waitress.
Had a nice lunch with the parents. Mom still thinks every sound is a gunshot. Dad still thinks every pen is free.
Was told I'm drawing the ire of our boss when I don't pay attention which is ridiculous. I was clearly drawing a dinosaur.
I'm gonna roll this smart car off the kids slide, through the tree, off the trampoline, nothin but net.
Good thing about the company gym, its always empty. Bad thing, you don't notice the security camera until after all the Mr Universe poses.
Just woke up from a 2 day Nyquil nap and gf was still talking. Me - uh yea that bitch. Her - I know right?
Might be hypochondria but might also be the virus from Contagion.
Just woke up half naked in a ditch with an empty bottle of tequila and don't remember anything. You guys, I think I may be the Hulk.
Girl look at my body. I eat out. Jiggle jiggle jiggle.
Tweet about never getting sick then proceed to get sick. Wouldn't have tempted fate if I'd known he had a Twitter account.
My dog has an Ed Hardy water dish and now fist bumps me after humping my girlfriends leg.
Really thought I'd have henchmen by now.
Found my ugly Xmas sweater on the closet floor. I like to think my football jerseys put him there.
Look, if you had one shot, one opportunity, To seize everything you ever wanted, one moment, Would you capture it? Or just let her sleep?
Gf asks what I think of her new purse, I ask her what she thinks of the new shocks on my truck, then we lie.