I see your passive-aggressive sarcasm, and I'll raise you, one finger.

My tits would be so perky, if I lived under water.

I wonder if the ppl I'm pet sitting for will enjoy their trip,
after realizing they left the toiletry bag on the toilet,
next to the Dildo

Insanity means never having to say "I'm guilty".

A guy at the light smoking a bowl, looked at me & said WHAT BITCH? Cop stopped him a few mins. later. I WAS gonna say "Turn your lights on"

If someone is found hanging by the neck, with the note, "I'm at the end of my rope". How much time has to pass, for that to be funny?

My Dad just called and explained how he "stripped, and tea bagged" their kitchen table, to give it an Antique look. He's been Fathrd.

I once ate a bucket of cold, fried chicken in 9 minutes, and built a cage for my dignity with the bones.

What's disturbing isn't that my armpits smell like tacos, it's that the smell is making me hungry.

My Oral B has stopped vibrating. Trying to decide whether to, buy a new one, or just move it back and forth, like in the olden days.

I'm uncomfortable being the center of attention deficit disorder.

"Vagina Mono Logs" would be a funny name for a Tampon Company.

My vehicles instrument panel has suddenly indicated, that the engine shaped icon light bulb, is in good working order.

ANGER MANAGEMENT CLASSES BETTER BE FUCKING STARTING ON TIME, AND HAVE MUTHA FUCKIN' COOKIES THIS TIME SONS A BITCHES!

Seems to me a more effective sign than "children at play" to slow drivers would be "Police hide with radar on this street".

Jumping on furniture with 5 and 7 year olds. As Tom Cruisually.

I want people to stop questioning my decision making skills, so I'm getting a face tattoo.

Starbucks, I'll bet if you charged more for your coffee, you could afford Awnings for the drive thru. I Soaking hate you. See ya tomorrow

The way people are looking at me as they drive past, makes me think I've become a directional landmark. "At the crazy lady, veer right".

I know the Swine Flu is serious, but COME ON! She works at the Piggly Wiggly! These people have no respect for hilarious irony.