Chinese-English grammar lesson. pic.twitter.com/3stVyz6gP4

If congress only worked together like law enforcement, we'd have gun control and a budget instead of corruption and gridlock #manhunt

Does "finish the remaining wine in the bottle" count as a to-do list item?

Twitter is so addictive, I barely even have time to watch porn now.

Former job title: functional alcoholic. Current job title: dysfunctional teetotaler.

I send my tweets into your timeline like a rocket blast of ejaculate.

As it turns out, "I'm sorry, bitch" does not count as an apology.

Putting antipsychotic drugs in my wife's food from now on should solve a lot of issues.

#ConservativeFastFood ... Burger KKKing

This ain't no lemonade stand. Dick pics cost $5 each.

Obama's drones should get a Grammy. For rocking al Quaida's world.

Not sure why anyone would say "You suck" to insult a woman.

I salute anyone who can take a good dump in an airplane bathroom.

Racism. Sexism. We overuse -ism words. Except jism.

Countless millions suffer from mental illness every day. The focus on Angelina Jolie is a distraction.

If Jesus had been black, would he have turned the water into wine....or malt liquor?

"Come with me" doesn't always mean "follow me."

Angelina Jolie has inspired me to remove my balls.

I loooooove free pizza. It's almost as good as free sex.

Tim Duncan stares like he sees dead people.