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Dear Girls, You can't put a pic up of you in slutty clothes and glasses saying "Nerddd(;" You're not a nerd you're a whore who found glasses
"Sarcasm is a defense mechanism" only applies only to amateurs. I use that shit as a fucking weapon of mass destruction.
If cats could talk all they would do is just repeat what you said back to you in a sarcastic ass voice. Because cats are assholes.
In soccer instead of "Goal" they should yell "FINALLLLLy"
Now that I'm on Twitter all I do on Facebook is crush souls and unfriend people on their birthday
If you watch Paranormal Activity backwards it's about a ghost that cleans up your house.
Don't tell anyone but my cat is tougher than me. He just killed a spider and ate that bitch.
I'm not avoiding you...I'm avoiding all the problems that come with you.
I like to give unattended children a redbull and a kazoo.
███ ██ trust █ ██████ your ████ █ ███government████everything█████████ ███ ████ ██ is ██████████ █████████fine. ███████
If you're gonna kill yourself, make it awesome and crash a fireworks truck into a glitter factory.
Hey I lost 20lbs in 2 days by lying.
Tried to kill a spider with Febreeze. Didn't work but now I can smell him coming.
You ever get so stoned that you just sit in silence petting your cat like a supervillain
A moth flew into my hoodie, had the biggest spaz attack ever and karate chopped myself in the neck.
Of all the things that are in the ocean, sharks don't freak me out. It's when seaweed touches my feet. Fucking terrifying.
I need someone to take better care of myself.
I'm so hipster. I sit on the TV and watch the couch...
A little girl just gave me a flower & messed up the hate vibe I had going on. Made me all happy & shit. Well played little girl, well played
Facebook: I'm tipsy
Twitter: I'm so fucking wasted I shit myself and kicked a baby in the face!!