When I'm driving, I hate bicyclists. When I'm biking, I hate cars. When I'm walking, I hate Jay Leno.

I wish I had a shirt I could wear at work that said "Don't ask me about my fucking lunch."

I think more things should be named for the sounds they make, like flip-flops. For instance, Miley Cyrus should be called "terrible".

#omgfacts FACEBOOK VIRUS ALERT: email asking women their bra color is a VIRUS! to fix, remove bra, go to settings>enable webcam>record movie

The best thing about unfollowing someone is not having to read their stupid tweets anymore.

No matter what you say to me at a live concert, I'm going to nod and laugh. Probably a good time to ask me for money.

I think it's sad that I had no idea Mr. Hooper's first name was Dennis until after he died. Sesame Street will not be the same without him.

I just love girls who are good at stuff.

I think the people who @ respond to their favorite celebrities tweets are the same people who clap at the end of movies.

Avoiding lawsuits in the workplace can be a reality if you explore the possibilities of "sensual harassment"

Nothing says "we've been sleeping together, but I want to keep my options open", like a Best Buy gift card, right?

The worst thing about being an upper-middle class white guy is

I wonder what my foreskin is up to these days?

If I had a dame for every typo in my tweets, I'd be one lucky guy.

I think I figured out why my wife's been sleeping with someone else. I'm not married.

Selling a bike on craigslist... Somebody actually asked me if I had it in a different color. #howtonotbeanidiot

I bet that gang members are often disappointed after a trip to the fortune teller.

30 bucks, favit? For real? I'd rather go downtown and buy some crushed up ramen noodles from a drug dealer.

Before Twitter I used to say things to people.

Dear Jesus, thanks for the sweet parking spot this morning. I knew you'd come through.