Until the 10 twitter rules are graven in stone tablets, I will fucking star and re-tweet like the god-damn sonofabitch I am

If I hit the lotto, my kids will hear two dreaded words... Military School!!

My wifes still doped up from a root canal, Good time to suggest anal?

I hope all you crazy-fucks I follow know how fucking awesome you are, even though you don't give a shit, you may have saved someones life

My superpower is to masturbate into a towel and not laugh when my wife uses it to wipe her face after she brushes her teeth!

My wifes friend bought her mom a pedicure set for mothers day. Her mom lost both legs to diabetes, take that

Is it a bad thing, when I smell jergens lotion on an old woman I get a chubby?

The song Shiney Happy People, sometimes makes me happy, but most of the time it makes me wanna spray an AK!!!

I've sweated so much cutting this fucking grass no one can tell I pissed my pants! Sweet

You know when ur drunk when your pissing and the urine bubbles come up and you think your playing asteroids

Safest place to hide your money,is in my tweets ,they never get stolen!

The Vagina Identity,Ultimatum,and of course Supremacy

Got hold of some mango margarita hand soap,please ignore my finger-sucking

Just had a bacon sandwich with mayo cheese hot sauce on whole wheat bread, that made it healthy right?

Now, my kids want their shit ironed, when I went to school it was fuck you, your lucky I'm here! Where the fuck has 1985 gone?

I think it's my god-given right to run thru the house in my underwear to "Run to the hills" I'm an American dammit!!!!!!!

I think someone used this hand towel to wipe their ass

MTV turns 30 years,been 25 years since they played a fucking video! Fuck you Down Town Julie Brown and Kurt Loder

The good,the gooder,and the goodest? #LessSexyMovies

Is it alright to rock my grandson to " I want to kill your daddy with a mechete!!!!