Damn gurrrl, are you NASCAR because you're pointless and loud and rednecks adore you

I'm glad I'm not funny, smart or popular enough to have my tweets stolen. Pretty enough, yes. But definitely not the other three.

I swear, this lady at the store is fighting a one person war on silence.

Every time someone says “hi” to me I wonder if they’re making an accusation or just saying hello.

I would've liked to see Houdini get out of a beanbag.

A cucumber is 96% water. The other 4% is a dildo.

Just got a txt from a friend & my response was "Shut up cunt" yeah I don't have too many friends!

I want to live in a world where your phone works better AFTER an update.

RT @peggyrossmanith "My time is up; I thank you for yours." Remembering Jim Fyffe today. War Eagle, old friend.

No. 88 is currently in ICU. WE @delgreco3: Thoughts and prayers for Auburn Legend Terry Beasley. He continues to fight like a CHAMPION.

I love @lisafarted

I'm sorry my honesty pisses you off. Here. Have some more.

Don't really understand heterosexual men who hate the gays. The more of them there are, the more available women there are for us.

Oh, you drink wine? Please, tell me more about being part of the upper class.

So 'man cave' means a guy's hangout space and not his asshole? Well then, I guess I haven't been inside of dozens of 'man caves' after all.

I have an impressive collection of Roofies, Power Tools, Waffle House cutlery and large nets with rings for the rope.

What if the made a remake of Weekend at Bernie's but starring say Whitney Houston?

My dream job doesn't exist cause who the fuck wants to work?

I want to slap a fat kid in the face with a smashed cupcake and see if he reacts to the slap or the cupcake.

The media should be screaming about Benghazi and Gosnell louder than a tween girl at a Justin Bieber concert. Yet, we hear crickets. #tcot