My version of flirting is looking at someone I find attractive multiple times and hoping that they are more brave then I am.

I don't masturbate because I can't get anyone to have sex with, I masturbate because I am narcissistic and I am the best at sex.

Growing up and becoming an adult was the worst decision I've ever made.

If anyone is ever bold enough to use the line "nice shoes, want to fuck?" on me, we are totally going to fuck.

Oddly enough, when ducks take pictures of themselves, they make the drunk sorority girl face.

I still read books that are printed on paper like a mother fucking caveman, and I plan on keeping it that way.

Due to my obsessive reading I have a wonderful vocabulary of words I can't use in conversation, because I don't know how to pronounce them.

I love how rednecks proudly display the reasons I should hate them on the back of their trucks.

Guys: quit pretending you'd play with your boobs all day if you became a girl, you'd actually sit around crying about your imperfections.

Hey poor people giving 10% of your income to a mega church, did you realize your minister drives a Benz?

I've never been motor boated, which might be because my boobs are small, but I'd appreciate someone at least "inflatable rafting" me.

Last time my knees hurt this bad I received a promotion and a raise.

I love that when I tell people I am having five guys tonight they assume I mean dinner at the burger and fries place.

Every time I tweet something funny and it doesn't get stars a unicorn commits suicide.

I am like one of those models who used to be nerdy and awkward in high school, except I am still nerdy and awkward, and not a model.

Back seat, windows up, that's the way I like to...


leave children unattended in my car.

I'm so poor right now that I wish life would hand me lemons because they're edible.

I hate when I open a bottle of wine & throw the cork away & have to drink the entire bottle. LOLJK I love it.

I was told I could be whatever I wanted when I grew up. I wanted to be a dinosaur. Fuck you mom and dad. #liars

Having small boobs makes me want to touch girls with big boobs racks almost as much as guys, but the awesome thing is I get away with it.