Would it pain you to star one of MY tweets? I have three kids, a husband, a puppy, a cat and a house to clean. You think I do this for FUN!?

Whenever you're the first person to star my tweet, I close my eyes and imagine that you're penetrating me.

Promised my husband I'd go to a Sex & Love Addicts meeting and was dreading it 'til I realized: I could totally find a new fuck buddy there.

Sure, I'll buy a box of each type of Girl Scout cookie from your daughter if you promise to buy a pound of marijuana from my son every year.

When I unfollowed you but then you followed me so I re-followed you, I closed my eyes and imagined us having make-up sex all over the house.

Every time you misspell a word when we're chatting, I put on another piece of clothing.

I love Twitter because it's the opposite of real life. Here I capture your attention with my brain, and then surprise you with my huge tits.

I masturbate with my pinky out* because I'm just dainty like that. *two fingers in

Twitter: Because you can always fluff the laundry a third time.

If you don't like bacon, mayonnaise and mid-week sex, we can't be friends. But apparently, I will marry you.

"Everything in moderation" includes moderation, right?

I'm wearing those panties you like...the ones with my vagina in them.

Please excuse me if my tweets are socially acceptable for a bit. I was on Facebook for a day and they just don't appreciate wet cunts there.

I don't want a lot of Followers...I never did. I just need one really talented Follower. One who will follow me upstairs to bed every night.

When I unfollowed you and blocked you but then unblocked you and followed you back and then you followed me back? I came sooo fucking hard.

Mommy will pay more attention to you when you prepare her coffee the right way.

Drank the rest of a beer on my nightstand before coffee this morning. Not sure if that makes me an alcoholic but definitely means I'm nasty.

I've been on Twitter for approximately 6,844 Facebook Notifications now.

Mommy will stop tweeting so much when you help her find a new Daddy.

I'm the Peggy Bundy of dressing appropriately for children's birthday parties.