I just watched Observe And Report. I could have taken a shit in my pants and observed that and I would've been more entertained.

That's it. I'm going to go out and socialize with real people in real life! .... loljk still here

Cops been talking to the neighbors all day. I *really* should go ahead and bury that dead hooker.

Huh?

Dear super busy day,

I'm standing over you with my foot on your neck watching you cry. Consider yourself conquered. I WIN.

Love
Heather

Leak in a bathroom pipe causes the kitchen to flood everytime I run water in the bathtub. Makes me think twice about peeing in the shower.

HOLY SHIT I LOVE TWITTER ohgod howthefuck do I get off this thing

Sometimes I don't star your tweets so that your ego doesn't get outta control.


Whaddya mean "who the fuck are you"??

The Smurfs are a utopian gay community. This, of course, means that Smurfette is a common fag hag.Your mind has been blown.

Dear American Idol,

Sometimes ugly people can sing too. Assholes.

Love,
Heather

"Asking yourself formspring questions" is the new "giving yourself stars from secret accounts"

The AMAs start with 8 minutes of Janet Jackson? Sounds like a great time to take a poo and ignore the TV.

It's like the fucking short bus pulled up on job fair day and publix said " OMG WE LOVE FUCKTRDS! HIRE THEM ALL!!"

Don't you dare look at me snotty, hot topic girl. I was punk before you were an unwanted accident in your mama's vagina.

I got new glasses and I can see EVERYTHING now. Related: I'm not quite as cute as I thought I was.

Somebody in Iran googled "I fuckedd my mom story" and it took them to my blog. Srsly.

Vodka. It's what's for dinner.

I've just gone through and deleted half of my tweets.

Too bad you can't delete the shame.

Debating about whether or not to star myself just to get a tweet with 10 stars.

Favstar is my new "sending flowers to myself".

I want to motorboat Precious.

Totally just concurrently sneezed and slobbered on myself.

Fellas?

Ladies?

Anyone?