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Whenever I fill out an application that says, "If an emergency, notify:________" I always put, "DOCTOR".
Rental cars are the whores of the automotive industry.
The most depressed man I ever met had been arrested for indecent exposure and then released for insufficient evidence.
I keep a second pair of shoes at work, I don't want people to recognize me when I'm pooping.
How come you can always hear the ice cream truck guy but you can never pinpoint his exact location?
Why do people give an invisible man in the sky all the credit for their personal achievements and strengths? You did that shit YOURSELF!
I think the best thing about telepathy is............... I know, right?
One does not simply... fold a fitted sheet.
I hate it when my inner child gets all angry and wants to use my Twitter account. She can be such a cunt.
Easily amused, Hardly impressed.
Whenever I see a band-aid on someone I get the urge to... the u-u-u-urge... the urge to... OH GOD, I WANT TO RIP IT OFF!!
I love all of you PERVERTS. Seriously.
Manwich is code for "mom doesn't really want to cook for you".
"Fuck you, pay me. Oh, you had a fire? Fuck you, pay me. Place got hit by lightning, huh? Fuck you, pay me." #quoteoftheday
My inner child is a douche bag with a bedazzled soapbox... sitting atop a mountain of useless knowledge