My neighbor just screamed, "Because I'm in love with you and want to be with you!" and I hope the ? was,"why are you learning magic tricks?"

Sitting on the work toilet right after it's been cleaned is probably the closest I'll get to sleeping with a virgin.

I'll know my mom is an alien imposter if within the first hour she doesn't ask, "so, do you still like Obama?"

Impressed Noah's Ark made it through the flood with the termites on board.

Saw Knight and Day. Highly recommended if you loved of the awkward kiss between Michael Jackson and Iman in "Remember The Time." Same feel.

So far at Space camp, we've packed up a lot of boxes and learned how to dismantle a shuttle!

"After the show it's the after party, and after the party it's the hotel lobby." - my motto in life when it comes to meals

I fit into my high school jeans this morning! That was when I was 225 pounds.