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You know when you take a shower and you see a bit of dried poo fall & run between your legs? That's never happened to me, you're disgusting.
Just woke up with a glazed doughnut stuck to the side of my face. Breakfast in bed, served.
Wish my girlfriend went down on me as much as my Internet does.
There's a beautiful world outside of Twitter, right? Asking for friend.
Just found enough fluff in my bellybutton to knit myself a jumper.
I've had a busy day doing all kinds of stuff like nothing.
Facebook can eat a bowl of dicks and would probably "like" it.
I just spilled a whole bottle of Wite• Out over this cover letter - big mistake.
Why is it so hard to construct jokes when you're not depressed which was sooo 2011?
I really can't wait to get my life back on track. By that I mean: score pot, come up with some jokes & murder some mean fucking sandwiches.
Great nostril hair day.
My girlfriend is pretty pumped tonight. She's been deflated for weeks. #decentlyfunny
This cup of 40% Colombian Mirador Tipica, 30% Brazil Sol Nascentre PN & 30% Boliva Sam Ignacio tastes exactly like you couldn't give a shit.
When a friend says "I feel like a jerk", I always fear the worst.
If there are any amputees out there, let's have a show of hands.
This Monster energy drink is attacking my brain with constant left jabs and the occasional knee to my cerebellum.
Just so you know, I'm going to be saving my best tweets for when I learn how to ghost tweet.
This slamming cup of tea tastes exactly like I need to take over the world.