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You know when you take a shower and you see a bit of dried poo fall & run between your legs? That's never happened to me, you're disgusting.
Just woke up with a glazed doughnut stuck to the side of my face. Breakfast in bed, served.
Wish my girlfriend went down on me as much as my Internet does.
There's a beautiful world outside of Twitter, right? Asking for friend.
Just found enough fluff in my bellybutton to knit myself a jumper.
I've had a busy day doing all kinds of stuff like nothing.
Facebook can eat a bowl of dicks and would probably "like" it.
I just spilled a whole bottle of Wite• Out over this cover letter - big mistake.
Why is it so hard to construct jokes when you're not depressed which was sooo 2011?
I really can't wait to get my life back on track. By that I mean: score pot, come up with some jokes & murder some mean fucking sandwiches.
Great nostril hair day.
Felix has inspired me in a huge way. I'm gonna jump in the bath!
My girlfriend is pretty pumped tonight. She's been deflated for weeks. #decentlyfunny
This cup of 40% Colombian Mirador Tipica, 30% Brazil Sol Nascentre PN & 30% Boliva Sam Ignacio tastes exactly like you couldn't give a shit.
When a friend says "I feel like a jerk", I always fear the worst.
If there are any amputees out there, let's have a show of hands.
I'm so hungry I could eat.
This Monster energy drink is attacking my brain with constant left jabs and the occasional knee to my cerebellum.