Don't you hate when you kill a bunch of ants in your kitchen then their ghosts crawl all over your arms for ten minutes

We have, all of us, through poor life choices, or the cruel hand of fate, arrived here at this Walmart. Let's at least be civil. :(

I propose a new rule that if you want to dump someone who still really loves you, you have to kill them. I think that's fair.

So yeah, I'm a bad person. Not like evil, just not good at it. Being a person.

Now that I've tried both, I think I prefer being young and attractive.

Beard's gone, but I kept the mustache. I think it makes me look like the guy who tells you all about the 7 times he saw Huey Lewis live.

Which hybrid do you guys think would look best with steer horns on the hood?

I wonder what else was in Soylent Green. Like, spices and stuff.

Douché - interj.: I acknowledge that you are correct, but counter that you're still a dick. (etym: "touché" + "douchebag")

My child is merely one student of many at Selma Elementary #honestbumperstickers

If life gave me lemons - FOR FREE - I'd be awfully suspicious. What's wrong with them? Are they old? Wax?

Some of you guys take so long to make a scrabble move I swear you're making up words, popularizing them and waiting until they appear in MW.

Myspace has a Facebook app. This is sadder than a 35-year-old on a skateboard.

I've been around the block enough to know I can't rule out the idea that she's a secret agent and only PRETENDED to break up, to protect me.

If you can't sing in tune, I'm probably not hip enough to like your band.

Some of these people drive like they're hoping the earth's rotation will eventually bring them to work. 

Forgot how to compose similes from seemingly disparate yet abstractly connected concepts. Now I'm scared as a baseball truck it's dementia.

Finally got around to reading the info at familyradio.com; he does present a compelling case that the world will end a couple hours ago.

I wonder whose coworkers did the worst Schwarzenegger impression this morning.

I'm talking to myself and I'm not even listening.