I break into pet stores at night & pour Sobe into the iguanas' water bottles as I softly whisper "drink the sweet nectar of your people"

"Yeah, animals. Just when you think you've seen all the hairy ones walking around,there's slimy ones inside water" - me as an aquarium guide

If you start singing "Paper Planes" during "Straight to Hell", you deserve to be sent to Guantanamo Bay

Traffic radar machines are bullshit because the person behind you is the one who gets to see if you beat the high score or not

secret diary comic about a kid from my high school  http://tmblr.co/ZLOAFxZaUsAg 

I'm disgusted with how @dominos is taking advantage of Invisible Children for their own promotion http://t.co/IxX31iRG

"WBEZ Chicago, I'm Ira Glass. Tonight's show is split up into 3 segments of *ahhOOOGA car horn* *farting noises*" - NPR Morning Zoo

I see Rihanna almost naked more often than I see my family

卐 #candyheartrejects

Fuck you in advance to all the 20-somethings in the year 2045 wearing James Cameron's Avatar t-shirts ironically

RT @mcdonalds Make your own Grimace™ at home by leaving a potato behind your fridge for one year until the mold is a violet hue

This is a grammy peeing into Skrillex as a urinal dedicated to @jakefogelnest, a firm supporter of Skrillex urinal art http://t.co/U83xmXGw

I am the emotional equivalent of a shower curtain in the steam that won't stop slowly drifting into your personal space.

i whip my trees back and forth i whip my trees back and forth #sandy #KONY2012

"Valentine's Day is a corporate scheme for Hallmark to make more money." - A bunch of regular fuckin' Che Guevaras on Facebook

Guys, my mom says we can't have any pizza until all the diving rings are out of the pool GUYS IT DOESN'T MATTER WHO THE LAST PERSON OUT WAS

Oh no, here comes Mitt Romney cackling on a green goblin hoverboard

help i'm tweeting from the year 2015, Romney won & brought back SOPA and he forces us to stick ███ into our ███ can't talk ███ secret police

They need to make an iPad the size of an area rug with a cool Twister app

"You've never heard of Fun.? You gotta hear this one song. It'll change your life, I swear." - Garden State 2