You play me better than I play myself, therefore your performance sucks, please leave.

Happy Father's Day to all the suckers taking care of my bastard kids. There's gotta be a dozen or so out there

If there's a plot for my demise can it go down soon? This place can get annoying.

A friend once told me he could play the maracas like I should be impressed. Is it even possible to NOT know how to play the maracas?

This handjob feels like I'm single again.

Happy Father's Day, my kids made me fold my own clothes!

My hope is that human kind will phase out the flat head screw system within the next 20 years.

I can't figure out / How to finish my haiku / Banana grabber

Could you imagine living in 1938 when getting an option added to your car cost 3.00$ ? Lol

I don't like this new normal.

Sorry, if I've spammed you. I think we're all adults, though

Shout out to my dad because he is losing his hearing.

If you drive 60mph in the left hand lane of a 70mph freeway, you should lose your license. Or be shot. You choose.

Whenever something bad happens and someone says "That's how the cookie crumbles". I get even more sad thinking about cookies crumbling.

Hey, son, happy Father's Day!
"But I'm not a da-"
*dad tosses you a baby*
"Where did you get-"
*dad just starts huckin babies at you*

I used to like older guys. Till I got old.

This humidity would kill a disco bush

Forgot to mention, a swarm of Mosquitos enjoyed an all-you-can-eat turkey buffet on my rump & head.

*walks around scratching like a chimp

Relationship status: Performing motivational speeches to my penis.

Estate Agent: So what do you think about the size of the property?
Me:*Removes cat from bag* Stand back please miss.