@hologramdhark That was one of my all-time favorite tweets. Much respect.

Shouts out to @hologramdhark for tweeting something along those lines months ago.

If you're generous with everything you have, nothing can be taken away from you.

@tayclarkkk Worried genius. Worried about what I'm going to do with all this money and poon tang.

@guyendorekaiser April fools?

Sext: Honey I just got my bonus lets go to the mall

The cashier at Rattler's called me "George" for no reason tonight. This wouldn't be noteworthy if I hadn't been called George before.

*tweets about white girls*
*white girls favorite it*

Wanted: Girl with piercings/tats who wants to get her parents off her back by having a preppy, upstanding boyfriend.

Shane is playing Minecraft on the TV in our dorm. It's official, neither of us is ever getting laid. #college

I wouldn't tweet so much if I didn't have so much information that is CRITICAL TO YOUR LIFE AND SURVIVAL

I used the phrase "I love bad bitches, that's my fuckin problem" at least four times in conversation while in the library last night.

@nottjmiller He's still like 5' 5" though.

Just finished the @totalfratmove book. #TFM

#KrollShow is great. If you don't like it, you're not an 18-24 year old who spends all his time online. I'm sorry.

@cracked Aren't all sex toys DIY?

I was just thinking "I really need a change." And then I realized I'm about to get a huge one. #TAMU16