Bringing our cats outside to make them wave goodbye never gets old in my family

when i was a kid i thought that by 26 i'd have it all figured out. but i think i'm just better at opening wine and hating people

pretty sure jazz musicians are just people holding musical instruments while having seizures

Glenn Close is amazing as 1800's Conan O'Brien #oscars

my parents didn't retweet me enough.

Gross guy in truck honks/kiss face at me. Man walking beside me apologizes. Good cop/bad cop?

beer makes me feel pregnant the next day

just refused a cupcake. will now cry quietly on the subway.

Anne Hathaway needs a zoom out button on her features....currently her face is set at 130% ...i'm thinking she'd look better around 60%

that tweet you deleted? that was your funniest one

@fleshcake pancape

my brain says GO TO THE GYM but the other more important part of my brain says ENTIRE BOTTLE OF WINE

doing awesome at the game "how many buses and streetcars can I just miss while carrying this huge awkward box in heels"

question: when getting through a crowded movie theatre aisle, do you face people with your ass or your crotch? I never know

no one ever talks about their new stomping grounds.

there is no sexy way to introduce yourself as a data analyst

Honestly don't know what my family would talk about if we didn't all have cats

menu tonight: grilled chipotle chicken quesadillas, stuffed jalapeños, homemade Mexican rice #homecooking #yum

I think I may have dated the face eating guy.

somebody out there thinks you're a pretty horrible person.