Sorry to brag but thanks to my wife, I've learned a thing or 2 in the bedroom. Like how to make the bed and where the decorative pillows go!

Texting while driving scares me...so I usually have a couple beers and pop a Xanax before I do it.

I will be performing this Thursday at http://t.co/D9NM7jYc with @traylorparker @itsbs @dandanzy @comicestrada @tysonthecomic and many more!

Hey @barackobama. We had to go inside and pay for gas in Woodbrige, VA. Pay at the pump was broken. Please address after gun control. Thnx

A study showed "58% more college students scored higher on a narcissism scale in '09 than in 1982." Who cares? Whats this got to do w/ ME?!

"I like my women like I like my haircuts; High and Tight" -Creepy Marine

@justincomic @tonebell @crislehman @comedianraj thanks for showing me the ropes last night and giving me confidence. Apppreciate the love.

@redban @yoshiobayashi @brodyismefriend @realmikeyoung
@theteeb @tonyhinchcliffe
@simplydon1 Enjoyed the podcast last night #Deathsquad

Please help us make our goal for the New Neighbor from BrandonCSites w/ @ryansandefur myself & @jamescullenb directing.  http://www.kickstarter.com/projects/brandonsites/the-new-neighbor …

If I hear one more time that "guns don't kill people...people kill people", I am going to put a "people" in my mouth and pull the trigger

You know what undermines the "family" more than gays getting married? Heterosexual males who impregnate women & then abandon their children

Hot girls never seem to have someone to take their picture. Its like their only friend is a toothpaste stained mirror.

I bet if Adam was alive today, he would be a hipster, because he would go around telling everyone that he was the original one to sin.

The Taliban's demanding fair coverage from Pakistani media because there are 2 sides to every story of shooting a 14 yr old girl in the face

I'm on this diet where you aren't supposed to eat flour or enjoy any aspect of your life. So far, everything is going according to plan

He offered to pollinate her flower, but she wanted nothing to do with his stinger. Guess it just wasn't meant to bee.

I am not germaphobic, but I do think it is gross when I see two germs kissing.

Dad told me when I was old enough he would give me his Playboys. I told him when he was old enough I'll show him free porn on the internet

I took a 5 hour energy and had sex. Now I have to figure out what to do with the 4 hrs and 57 minutes of leftover energy...

Mom always taught me that "if you don't have anything nice to say, then don't say anything all". That must mean mimes are cynical assholes!