I hate hearing about Disney on Ice and then getting disappointed every time when it's not Walt Disney in cryo-sleep

With the passing of every year Tilda Swinton becomes closer and closer to becoming David Bowie. #gg

To the guy driving a Prius in a snow storm: You might be trying to save the environment, but that environment is trying to kill you.

Vegetarians always ask if I could eat a steak from a cow I raised from a calf. My answer is no. I would eat it as veal way before it grew up

Happy Mother's Day to all those mothers out there. Wrangle as many moths as possible.

@donnyosmond @ladyaustin96 I bet Miss Minaj doesn’t even know what kibosh means.

@warwickadavis Ha! Short chat!

I've always wondered why I rub people the wrong way. Then I realized I shouldn't rub people at all.

Animal Planet is starting a show about guys who think mermaids are real. My life is now complete.

Some days it feels like you can't do anything right. Unless you're me and then it's everyday.

It makes sense that Manti Te'o gets drafted by a pretend NFL team. #draft #chargers

Apparently you can be a ‘singer/songwriter’ without actually being good at either of those things.

Wow! @mootepoints, @tomclarkcomedy, and @rachelfeinstein are all in Utah this weekend. Much fun to be had.

I bet this gets 0 retweets.

Your binder joke sucks.

Should I watch the debates or go to open mic? Either way I'm going to be watching shitty comedians.

@judahworldchamp I think Bigfoot talk is sorely lacking in this country. You are a true American hero.

Horses are the black athletes of animals. They're stronger, faster, and when they do well, white people make money. Also the penis thing.

My friend M. Dickson (@awkpaupro) has a new book out called, "Dear Dad, It's Over." She's hilarious so go buy it.

@iankarmel 8 EASY mantras that will turn squirrels into sex slaves that the ASPCA would kill for!