I try to give myself a compliment every morning when I look in the mirror. Today's was: "that left eyebrow really grew back nicely".

My mom and dad hate it when I call them mammogram and pap smear.

Don't let the self-deprecating humor fool you, I'm my biggest fan.

I want to try that new Doritos taco thing, but I'm on that "for-the-love-of-God-please-don't-get-any-fatter-before-summer" diet.

I know it's only been six months, but I'm starting to think that dude isn't going to text me back.

I don't understand the 'Twitter & Facebook are so different' references; they're both just a bunch of people that don't pay attention to me.

I wish my amazing personality would stop writing checks the mediocre rest of me can't cash.

All my siblings brought their spouses and children to this family gathering. I brought beer and Oreos. Same thing.

I haven't had a serious relationship in 3 years. I am, however, researching the pros and cons of getting a turtle. So, I have shit going on.

Sleeping alone has its perks; lying diagonally in bed, no one judging my nightly task of trying to perfect my Master P impression.

I'm at the movies with a shit load of candy from the dollar store and a Diet Mt. Dew in my purse. Just think, I'm someone's dream girl.

Mom's trying to flirt her way into extra crab meat for her fajita. It's like staring into my future.

I just got jealous hearing about the weekend plans of 6th graders. I like to constantly hit new forms of rock bottom.

I got 1 retweet & 4 faves on the same tweet. I'm one of the popular, funny people on Twitter now, right?!

"Is that a bedbug? Nope, just a lovebug!", she said to her dog, suddenly realizing she's never going to get laid again, because, wow.

Go ahead and pick the hot dumb girl, but she's not going to be very helpful during Jeopardy.

Yes, you made a baby. I made a BLT and added green peppers and onions. This isn't a competition.

I just felt things for a blueberry waffle that I haven't felt for a man in years.

I'm in the mood to make a mistake. I just don't know the exact level at which I want to fuck shit up for myself.

I wish I passed a bus full of prisoners every day, because I have never felt prettier.