I try to give myself a compliment every morning when I look in the mirror. Today's was: "that left eyebrow really grew back nicely".

My mom and dad hate it when I call them mammogram and pap smear.

Don't let the self-deprecating humor fool you, I'm my biggest fan.

I know it's only been six months, but I'm starting to think that dude isn't going to text me back.

I want to try that new Doritos taco thing, but I'm on that "for-the-love-of-God-please-don't-get-any-fatter-before-summer" diet.

Sleeping alone has its perks; lying diagonally in bed, no one judging my nightly task of trying to perfect my Master P impression.

I wish my amazing personality would stop writing checks the mediocre rest of me can't cash.

All my siblings brought their spouses and children to this family gathering. I brought beer and Oreos. Same thing.

I don't understand the 'Twitter & Facebook are so different' references; they're both just a bunch of people that don't pay attention to me.

Go ahead and pick the hot dumb girl, but she's not going to be very helpful during Jeopardy.

I'm at the movies with a shit load of candy from the dollar store and a Diet Mt. Dew in my purse. Just think, I'm someone's dream girl.

I haven't had a serious relationship in 3 years. I am, however, researching the pros and cons of getting a turtle. So, I have shit going on.

Mom's trying to flirt her way into extra crab meat for her fajita. It's like staring into my future.

Dude's sucking the chocolate off a peanut M&M, then spitting the peanut into the trash. I can't help but think he might enjoy regular M&M's.

I got 1 retweet & 4 faves on the same tweet. I'm one of the popular, funny people on Twitter now, right?!

I'm so bored with everything in my life. I need a new flavor of Cheez-Its or a Full House reunion show. You know, something big.

From now on, I'm only getting emotionally involved in things I can eat.

You win, I give up. Which actually means you lose, because I'm fucking awesome and you're going to miss out. It's complex.

Cookie dough package: DO NOT CONSUME RAW COOKIE DOUGH. Me: You don't get a sweet muffin top by following the rules, dude.

I don't trust girls. Or dudes. People in general, really. Just dogs. My dog. Not around food, though. Basically; no one. I have issues.