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For 14¢ a day I can get the Favstar Bonus features or feed a starving African child. Sorry Mtumba but it's flies for dinner again tonight
Know these 5 secrets to keep your man happy
Shut the fuck up
....I could totally write for Cosmo
What. The. Fuck. Is. That ?
No, seriously. What is that running in the grass ?
Is that a kid? Outside, In the sun ?
Well, I'll be damned
Hey fuckhead - I have a piece of shit car and a $100 deductible. Do you really want to risk your Lexus trying to block me from merging ?
With every new woman, a new kinky fetish. This one is into something called cuddling
Hellloooo pretty lady in the minivan with the stick figure family missing a daddy.
I used to be the cute new boyfriend. Now I'm "that asshole" on the couch with a beer in one hand and the remote in the other
Just typed dignity into my GPS.
Just checked my twitter account settings and I had 'Enable Funny' set to Off. That explains a lot recently
I abandon relationships like an Italian cruise ship captain
I think I'm doing ok for an account with no cleavage
One upside of paying $215/week child support is my garage is never cluttered with jet skis, snow mobiles, atvs or anything fun
I was gonna get all Facebook and post up a picture of my awesome dinner but I'm confident you all know what hot pockets looks like
I'd love to see the size of Samuel L Jackson's curse jar
Rushing out to buy an $800 generator to protect the $23 worth of Bagel Bites and french fries in my freezer
I know no one else does but I admit it ~ I GIVE A FUCK !
I totally want all you guys to like me and star and RT me.
There I said it.
Told the girlfriend I've been referring to her as 14 (number of women I've slept with)
Her reply : Fuck you 37 !
I think belittling midgets is wrong
If I didn't make bad life choices, say fucked up things, alienate people, and abuse various substances it just wouldn't be me
I like my women to be like my coffee ~ light and sweet. Not bitter god damn it
If you have any expectations of me, prepare to be disappointed.