The best things in life are free. Unless you're unattractive. Then they're like a hundred bucks an hour.

It'd probably be best if I had to pass a breathalyzer to unlock my phone.

RT if alcohol is your twitter crush.

Friends don't let friends have cat avatars.

That's right, ladies, my semen is gluten-free.

Explain again why I should be nice to people I never hope to see naked.

Why does my neighbor think it's weird that I need to borrow 20 packs of Sudafed for a recipe?

I still remember the day when my dad gave me my first razor and showed me how to shave my balls.

If you don't show me your tits, the terrorists win.

To whoever decided that the "Simon says" rules don't apply to showing one's tits: fuck you.

Instead of "followers," I'm going to start using "minions." You guys don't mind, right?

The greatest trick the Devil ever pulled was convincing everyone that he wasn't on the GOP presidential ticket.

Showing my kitty in my avatar isn't getting me nearly as many followers as my creepy uncle said it would...

Girl, I would eat the hell out of that pussy. Or a gordita. Whichever is available.

This divorce court judge is acting like I'm the first guy to ever seek dual custody of a vagina.

And on the 28th day, God said: "Let there be bitchiness."

It's so touching to see a young girl pulling petals off a flower and saying "he'll sext me, he'll sext me not..."

Hey @redbox, would it kill you to include a decent selection of anal porn?

Even if they earn more than you, most women seem to dislike the nickname "cash cow."

Think I've got a winner with my new Instagram-for-porn site that'll automatically give everyone a 70s bush.